What are we planting in our troubled children?

By Fr Robert Christo

Vicar for Communications

A principal cried out to me for help at the start of the new school term: “Father, what to do with some of our beloved children who are so disruptive in school?”

First, I believe that we must stop labelling them ‘bad children’. A child may behave badly, violently, disrespectfully or destructively, but the child remains a person created in the image and likeness of God (Gen 1:27). Jesus did not say, “Let the well-behaved children come to me.” He said, “Let the children come to me” (Mk 10:14). Jesus distinguishes the sin from the sinner. He confronts wrongdoing while seeking and loving the person.

US Bishop Robert Barron often emphasises this biblical anthropology. Before asking what somebody has done, Christianity asks: Who is this person before God? Personhood comes before performance. Correct the behaviour, certainly, but never throw away the child.

Q: So, we must just tolerate indiscipline?

Absolutely not! Love without boundaries isn’t love. We Caribbean people like to say, “Spare the rod and spoil the child.” That exact saying is not Scripture, although Proverbs certainly connects loving formation with discipline (cf Prov 13:24). Christian discipline, however, seeks restoration, not revenge.

Look at Jesus’ process in Matthew 18:15–17. First, one-to-one. Then, two or three. Then, involve the community. Even the final reference to the Gentile is not permission to stop loving. Jesus Himself reached out to Gentiles and sinners. The circle of mercy remains open.

Sometimes tough love requires firm boundaries and real consequences, but always with the desire to win the person back.

Hebrews connects discipline with loving formation (Heb 12:6), while Paul warns parents, “Do not provoke your children to anger” (Eph 6:4).

There is the sacred balance: discipline without humiliation, correction without rejection, consequences without abandonment.

In Caribbean language: doh bus’ de child’s files on social media, shame them before the whole school, embarrass them in public, and then expect transformation!

Q: Whose responsibility is the child?

The Church is clear. Parents are the first and primary educators of their children (Gravissimum Educationis, 3; Amoris Laetitia, 84). This is also where the Catholic principle of subsidiarity matters. School, Church and State support the family; they should not casually replace it.

A prison inmate once told me something I have never forgotten: “Father, sometimes it have no bad children; it have bad examples.” Parents, teachers, politicians, community leaders, and yes, even priests, must examine the examples we provide.

A child learns what a child lives. Plant picka, and doh be surprised when picka chook yuh!

The school educates. The Church forms and accompanies. Government protects and provides structures and professional intervention. Student Support Services, counsellors, social workers, psychologists, behavioural and diagnostic testing specialists, camps and mental-health professionals all have their place.

Sometimes disruptive behaviour is the smoke. The fire may be trauma, neglect, violence, learning difficulties, poverty, peer pressure, destructive examples, family breakdown or emotional distress.

Don’t only ask, ‘What is wrong with this child?’ Ask: ‘What happened to this child, and what does this child need?’

Q: What about the home?

US singer Luther Vandross sang, ‘A House Is Not a Home’. That title still preaches. Many of us grew up with little materially, yet somehow we had plenty: conversation, stories, chores, grandparents, neighbours, correction, Sunday school and worship, struggle, character and belonging.

Today, we can give children almost everything: devices, brand-name bags and clothes, food and entertainment, yet still ask, ‘Why are they so unfulfilled?’

Grandma cannot raise everybody. Teacher cannot raise everybody. Government cannot raise everybody. Father certainly cannot raise everybody during Sunday Mass! And sometimes we don’t even know who lives next door.

Parenting requires presence, not merely provision: meals together, conversation, boundaries, chores, prayer, affection and accountability. Know not only where your child is, but where their phone is taking them.

We used to say, ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ Today, it takes a universe. The village has gone global. Social media, influencers, pornography, gaming, music and strangers can enter the bedroom without knocking.

Q: What does Theology of the Body have to do with it?

Plenty. St John Paul II’s Theology of the Body reminds us that the body reveals the person. Nobody is an object to be used.

Formation therefore begins long before dating. Children need age-appropriate formation in dignity, boundaries, responsibility, respect, chastity, relationships and the meaning of sexuality.

Early sexual activity can have serious emotional, spiritual and physical consequences, including crisis pregnancies.

Prevention matters. So does accompaniment. Support young people before a pregnancy. Accompany mother, father and child when pregnancy occurs. Strengthen single parents rather than stigmatise them. No child is unwanted by God.

Q: What can the Church do?

Plenty. Our parishes must become more than places people visit for an hour or so on Sunday. Reimagine Jesus’ table-fellowship model: food and belonging.

Reimagine the arts and sports model: discipline, teamwork and perseverance.

Reimagine the panyard model: generations learning discipline and creating beauty together.

Youth groups, altar serving, choir, football, pan, dance, drama, mentorship, homework programmes, parenting formation, counselling referrals and service can build character.

The early Christians were “devoted to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship” (Acts 2:42). Christianity formed a people who belonged to one another.

And perhaps another problem hides beneath our crisis: I.

What is at the centre of s-I-n? I.

When everything becomes my child, my success, my reputation, my business, community collapses. Caring for somebody else’s child may even teach us how to care better for our own.

Teach our beloved pickneys the three Ss:

Sacrifice: Love costs something. Paradoxically, we gain ourselves when we give ourselves away. “Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Mt 16:25).

Struggle: Character grows when everything isn’t easy. Perhaps the troubled child needs a parent who stays, a teacher who notices, a counsellor who understands, a government system that responds, a parish that welcomes, and a community that refuses to give up.

Service: Learn to live for somebody besides yourself. Because before there is ever a ‘problem child’, there is a person, somebody’s beloved pickney, made in God’s image and forever God’s beloved child.

PS: The Archdiocesan Family Life Commission offers effective parenting sessions to all.

Email: [email protected]

Website: aflcrc.org