Ease up on de boof

By ‘Trying My Best’

Let’s address something. Young people in the Church are often told that our voices matter. We are invited to serve, to lead, to offer our time and talents, and to take initiative. We are encouraged to see the Church as a home where we belong and where our contributions are valued. Yet, when a misunderstanding arises or something goes wrong, the way we are treated does not always reflect those assurances.

Sometimes, instead of being invited into a conversation, we are presented with a conclusion. Instead of being asked what happened, we are told what our actions say about our character, our maturity, our attitude, or our professionalism. By the time we are given an opportunity to speak, the story has already been written for us.

I recently experienced this. A task had not been completed as expected. I accept responsibility for the part I should have handled. There was an oversight on my part, and I can accept accountability for that.

However, I was also held responsible for work that had never been assigned to me. There had been little communication about who was expected to perform said task, or when any of this was due. No one contacted me afterwards to clarify the arrangements or ask what happened. The first direct communication I received by someone in the Church’s hierarchy, a month after, was a formal letter that appeared to assume both my responsibility and failure before hearing my account.

The letter did more than address an unfinished task. Its tone felt admonishing and condescending. It explained the basics of accountability and how incomplete work can affect other people, as though I had no understanding of professional responsibility

(I have five years of work experience).

It referred to qualities expected of a young professional, language that felt less like guidance and more like a reminder of my place. Accountability, communication, and responsibility are expected of every professional. Young does not mean incapable, inexperienced or unaware.

The correspondence also contained a few errors, including the misspelling of my name. Some may see that as a minor detail. I do not. A person’s name is tied to identity and dignity. Correct spelling is not an extraordinary courtesy; it is a basic act of respect. When formal communication questions someone’s professionalism while failing to treat that person’s own details with care, the contradiction is difficult to ignore.

The experience left me feeling belittled. Many young people encounter similar dynamics in the Church. We are welcomed when we are available, and willing to help. But when we ask questions, identify inconsistencies, name how something affected us or challenge the way authority has been exercised, our response may be interpreted as disrespect or an unwillingness to accept accountability.

That is not accompaniment.

Pastoral care asks more of us. It calls us to listen carefully, to seek understanding and to approach correction with charity. It recognises that every person carries a history that may not be visible. This does not mean that leaders must avoid difficult conversations. It means those conversations should be approached with care, and respect for human dignity.

This is especially important when the Church teaches values such as safety, trust, transparency, collaboration, empowerment, and compassion. These principles cannot exist only in our programmes, presentations, and public statements. They must shape how we treat the people working and serving beside us. Our internal culture is also part of our ministry. Fraternal correction should come from a genuine desire for truth, reconciliation, and growth.

To Church leaders, coordinators, clergy, and adults who accompany young people: please do not mistake age for ignorance. Correct us when correction is needed but speak ‘with’ us before speaking ‘to’ us.

To young people who have experienced something similar: your feelings are not automatically evidence of disrespect or oversensitivity. You can accept responsibility for what you did while refusing responsibility for what was never assigned to you. You can remain committed to the Church while naming practices that have caused harm.

Accompaniment cannot mean walking with us only when we are compliant. It must also mean pausing when conflict arises, listening before reaching conclusions and being willing to recognise when authority has been exercised without sufficient care.