When a child ‘comes out’

By Sophie Barcant

When a child has the courage to ‘come out’ and announce to their family that they are attracted to the same sex, various scenarios can play out.

Arising out of our traditional Christian upbringings we tend to feel devastated. The natural reaction is to turn in and focus on our own feelings, relying on biblical texts that seem to oppose and condemn those of the same sex being together intimately.

We fear for the souls of our loved ones and are tempted to believe they are doomed spiritually, triggering emotions which on the other hand are in direct conflict with living the unconditional love Jesus showed on Earth.

We judge, accuse, and feel anger.

Let’s reflect on the time Jesus invited those condemning the woman caught in adultery to cast the first stone.

Most Christian and even non-Christian parents expect their children will pair up with a spouse of the opposite sex, raise a family, and follow traditions of their culture. When those expectations are challenged and opposed, they naturally become disturbed and even devastated.

Such expectations can lead to deep disappointments, condemnation, and division in families. They forget that their child has feelings and has themselves experienced mental and emotional torment trying to come to terms with this internal drive that has propelled them in the direction of Same Sex Attraction (SSA) for a major part of their life.

As authentic followers of Christ, we ought to inhabit that unconditional love Christ commanded, manage our expectations with divine supernatural graces available through the beautiful sacraments of our Catholic faith and demonstrate complete love and acceptance for those living with the SSA drive.

They themselves have felt confused about this aspect of their development. They have lived in fear of condemnation, rejection, and ridicule, and even arrest when it is illegal.

Few people can imagine the turmoil that those with SSA experience.

A primary psychological need is to be accepted and to belong. The rejection young gay people experience can be so devastating that some choose suicide.

It is common in our culture that parents evict their children when they ‘come out’. Again “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone” said Jesus, (Jn 8:7). Let Our God of Mercy do the judging. Instead let’s pray continuously for them and for our own needs to grow in unconditional love.

Loving them does not mean we agree with their lifestyle. It just means accepting them as persons and treating them with compassion and kindness, as we would any person and as Jesus did when He dined with tax collectors and welcomed sinners.

Besides feelings of disappointment, shame and confusion, parents inevitably start to blame themselves and guilt sets in. That self-analysis can be very tormenting for some. Releasing feelings of guilt can be an exceedingly difficult process. Again, turning to the sacraments of our Catholic faith which offer us divine supernatural graces, and embracing the friendship Jesus offers us, can be extremely healing and helpful.

Most people are shame phobic and feel very embarrassed when one of their children come out as gay. Jesus Christ demonstrated the ultimate humility, allowing Himself to be stripped at the crucifixion. Who are we as Christians and Catholics to shun being humbled?

Sensitive soul

As parents we ought to be very mindful of the effects of condemning statements we make around our homes about people who are different, including those who are queer-looking, socially awkward, and physically impaired. One of our own children may just be one of those “different” people.

I had no idea one of my sons was gay and one day while watching a movie with a scene of two men kissing, I expressed disgust. He heard and saw my reaction. Needless to say, it pierced his sensitive soul, along with many other references he heard growing up in a very Catholic family as ours.

I cried for four days when he ‘came out’ at age 17. It was devastating for me, as I imagined that his way of life would be more painful than following one as a straight person. I was obviously naive. Straight people are no less challenged in life.

The authentic Christian unconditional love in our family prevailed and we continue to live Christ’s commandment to love no matter what. One of our daughters also ‘came out’ and we continue to accept and love unconditionally, come what may.

It is critical that we provide psychological safety for all youth as some are struggling with these urges that may terrify and confuse them. Their mental health and success depend on it. We must be there for them.

Sophie Barcant is a certified ACC trauma informed coach and Safe and Sound music listening therapy provider. She can be reached at Life Harmony Coaching and Consulting: sophiebarcant@yahoo.com