Parenting our adult children as they transition

By Sophie Barcant

They grow up, finish secondary school, proudly get certified and qualified and then are ready to launch into the working world, eager to be fully grown up, responsible and more independent and it doesn’t seem to be happening.

The dream job, secure employment is not happening. They struggle with applications, lack of responses, and unfruitful interviews. Despondency sets in and possibly even depression.

What must we parents do, as we look on, feeling their pain?

The first thing is to validate their feelings, showing empathy and patience, while refraining from pressuring them to try harder with applications. They tend to feel ashamed, stuck, and anxious about the future without saying so.

Pressuring them potentially drives them away. If every conversation becomes about jobs, the relationship becomes strained. To avoid our pressuring, they then are likely to avoid confiding in us and could become withdrawn, isolated, and turn to substance overuse to numb the despair.

Asking them what kind of help they want is ideal. Offering support without taking over is crucial.

A listening ear, a safe non-judgemental space to vent their feelings and frustrations is the best thing we can offer to anybody who is challenged, especially to our children.

We can offer our support with reviewing résumé and networking, but if that is not wanted, we should gracefully keep quiet.

Having a loving relative or friend offer them gentle suggestions can be very effective. Suggestions like volunteering in NGOs or being an apprentice in a company.

They can be encouraged to talk to people in their field of study and consider taking up temporary jobs unrelated to their qualifications as a stepping-stone. Taking additional short courses to build skills can also be encouraged. Most adult children do not like parental advice, thus seeking wisdom in mature friends or relatives is important. They become like mentors.

Reminding them of their past struggles and resilience, and past successes can be very encouraging for them, with the message that we believe in them. It is important to also remind them that their worth is not dependent on a job.

As Catholics, we pray with them and for them and remind them about hope, trust, and faith. These can carry us and our young adults through the dark tunnel that seems to have no light at the end of it. This is what sets us apart from the secular world that believes they have no need for God and can navigate life perfectly well on their own.

God has a design and purpose for us. He has gifted us with talents and strengths, so we are to use them for the upliftment of the world. He wants us to be happy and feel fulfilled and doing noble work is a path to that happiness.

Let us use language in our homes that emphasises doing noble work, work that contributes positively to the lives of others, directly and indirectly. When our children hear this kind of language spoken in a general way, it doesn’t come across as preaching or lecturing but just as fact, and it sinks into their subconscious. At some point it will register in their minds and most likely will guide their conscience as they make choices.

“It is the Lord who works in us to will and to do for His good pleasure,” (Phil 2:13). Could this verse spoken by Paul to the Philippians mean that God empowers believers with the desire and the ability to do things for His purpose? If so, then this can be of great comfort to our adult children brought up in the faith.

They can be encouraged to seek God more earnestly, asking for guidance as to how He would like them to use their gifts and talents for His glory, for the betterment of mankind, their environment and society.

He said, “Ask and You Shall receive.” Can such a genuine heartfelt petition go unanswered by our loving God who longs for us to seek Him, and be guided to noble lives of service and holiness?

St Matthew reports Jesus telling us to “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these things shall be added onto us”. “These things” mean time, work, jobs, material things, opportunities, and more. So again, these are such encouraging words for our young people to hear. Believing and trusting the process is the work.

Psalm 37:4 says it just as powerfully; “Delight yourself in the ways of the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”. Some say this is a promise.

Let us set good examples for our children modelling trust, faith, and devotion, seeking God first and delighting in His ways.

Sophie Barcant is a certified ACC trauma informed coach and Safe and Sound music listening therapy provider. She can be reached at Life Harmony Coaching and Consulting: sophiebarcant@yahoo.com