Healing

Sharina Gerald

Many years ago, as I was preparing for school, I ran into the house and accidentally kicked a concrete brick with my left foot. It hurt badly, but I ignored it, put on my sneakers, and went to school as usual. When I returned home and removed my shoes and socks, I was shocked; my toenail was shattered and already festering with yellow pus. In just one day.

Over time, the nail fell off and another grew in its place, but it was crooked, rough, and dark, nothing like the original. Years later, while preparing for my brother’s wedding, I decided to ‘fix’ the nail. A technician applied acrylics, and on the surface, it looked restored. I enjoyed the polished look of pink gel and all. But about two weeks later, when the nail began to grow out, I again accidentally kicked something and experienced the same festering infection again.

Just like before, it eventually healed. But this time, something was different, this time, the nail grew back smoother, straighter, and not nearly as dark. It was much better than the first time. From that experience, I learned two things:

First, healing often requires pain. And sometimes, even when we think healing is complete, it isn’t.

This memory came back to me as I reflected on how God has been speaking to me during this Lenten season. I have been trying to listen more attentively to God, expecting Him to speak, and He did. In the quiet depths of my heart, as I communicated with Him, I longed for a meaningful Lenten experience. I continued the prayer that I had from the beginning of the year wherein I asked, “Lord, you have given me everything. Lord, what do you want me to do for you?”

It wasn’t perfect. I didn’t get it right every day. I wasn’t ‘holy’ every day. But this season has truly made me a better person. I fell several times and found myself returning to God again and again in reconciliation, going to Confession more often than I ever have before. Each time I fell, I asked: “Lord, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this right? Why is this the cross I must carry this Lent? How come I’m having the struggle now of all times?”

What I did remember though is a prayer that I pray constantly where I pray to God, “Remove all that is in me that is not of you, oh God“. At one point, I shared my struggle with a friend, and he reminded me of a truth of our faith: God permits evil so that a greater good may come from it (CCC 412). And in those moments of falling, I began to remember past failures and wounds, not with bitterness, but with a deep awareness that grace was at work. That God was healing me (my memories, my desires, my habits) even from those that may have appeared to be less significant.

In fact, I felt as though God was preparing me; still preparing me for a higher calling. I felt myself becoming purified through the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Just as my toenail regenerated over time, my faith was also being renewed. Through the pain, through the setbacks, God was healing me.

This Lent, He began drawing me out of a darkness of ignorance and deepening my consciousness. He made me more aware of sin even in its most subtle forms and more aware of His grace. And yet, despite the falls, I never felt defeated. I cried many times, yes, but I never felt abandoned. In the deepest part of my being, I heard God saying: “I am with you“. Me. Imagine that. Me, unworthy as I am and yet God remains, continuing to heal, continuing to pour out grace. As St Paul reminds us: “Where sin increased, grace abounded all the more“.

As we approach Passiontide, my hope is that all of us will continue to experience God’s grace, mercy, and healing as He calls us out of darkness into His light. May our sacrifices be united with the Sacrifice of Christ so that we can truly experience the wholeness and healing that the Resurrection brings. And as Easter people, may we rejoice remembering all that God has done in our lives and proclaim with joy: “…O happy fault that earned so great, so glorious a Redeemer!“