Becoming ourselves again: a journey through loss, identity, and new beginnings

By Fr Urban Hudlin OP

At a recent online workshop hosted by our parish Ministry for the Separated, Divorced and Widowed, participants were invited into a gentle yet profound exploration of a question that often emerges after deep relational rupture: Who am I now?

Drawing on simple insights from psychoanalytic thought, I suggested that when a marriage ends—whether through death, divorce, or separation—we do not only lose a partner; we lose a part of ourselves.

Every human carries three layers of identity. First is the public self, the face we present to the world. It is the composed, responsible self—our church, work, and community persona. It often looks calm even when our inner world is trembling. Beneath that lies the relational self, the version of us shaped in partnership: the self that grew through shared routines, mutual dependence, and the daily intimacy of life with another.

When a partner dies or leaves, this mirrored self collapses, leaving many feeling disoriented, unanchored, or “not themselves.”

Yet our deepest layer is the hidden self—a reservoir of unspoken dreams, private fears, unmet needs, and long-silenced desires. During the upheaval of loss, this hidden self often pushes forward with surprising force.

What seems like emotional chaos is, in truth, the soul’s attempt to reveal what has long been buried. The practice of psychoanalysis helps us to understand that this is not a breakdown but a breakthrough: an invitation to meet the truest parts of ourselves.

We encouraged participants to see their journey as the unfolding of a new identity. Loss may unsettle the familiar structures of life, but it also opens a sacred space for rediscovery, courage, and hope. In that space, God gently works, shaping a self that is wiser, more honest, and beautifully capable of beginning again. Peace to you.

Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash