Afraid to forgive

By Denise Scott

During the Covid 19 pandemic; a friend of mine who contracted the disease and believed to be on her death bed called her parish priest for final rights. Her condition was dire, and the priest encouraged her to make peace with the Lord and forgive everyone who had hurt her. She laughed because she felt that her heart was pure and she only had love for everyone. Then she remembered Raymond! The horrible ex-boyfriend who became her children’s (twin boys) father. She told me the story years ago that on the day of her son’s christening, she answered his phone and was told that his wife was rushed to the hospital; she just had twins, too! Claire said that she tried to beat him to death and when that didn’t work, she tried to kill herself. Thirty years later, lying on her death bed, she still found it difficult to forgive him. She died two weeks later and every day I pray that she was able to forgive him before she died.

Over the years, I always prayed that I would find it in my heart to forgive those who have hurt me and, for most of my life, I was successful. But if you ever experienced real betrayal, like an adulterer husband, or a friend who betrays your trust or a vindictive co-worker? Those are game changers. As I grew older, there is a part of me that became weary. I told myself “If I forgive them, I might go back. I might forget the pain. I might open the door to hurt again.”

It was not that I did not want to forgive; I was afraid to forgive.

I can’t be the only one, right? Please say we have all been there before. You forgave, you trusted again, and you were broken again, by the same betrayal, the same manipulation, the same empty apologies. So now, withholding forgiveness feels like the only safe thing to do to protect yourself

It has been a long journey for me but this is what I have learnt: forgiveness is not the same as returning to the scene of the crime. It’s not pretending it didn’t happen or giving people permission to harm you again. It’s the decision to stop letting their sin own space inside your heart.

Neuroscientists believe that when you forgive others, your brain and body undergo a very real transformation. When you forgive, the part of your brain that reacts to stress and fear finally gets a chance to rest, and your body starts to calm down. Your heart rate drops, your muscles relax, and the tightness you didn’t even realise you were carrying begins to ease. The brain areas that help you show kindness and empathy light up, helping you see people not through anger, but through understanding. Over time, this choice to forgive trains your mind to be more peaceful and resilient. It’s as if forgiveness rewires your spirit for grace. So, while it may feel like you’re doing someone else a favour, neuroscience shows what Scripture has said all along: forgiving frees you. It quiets the noise inside, heals your body, and opens the door for God’s peace to move in.

The day I saw Raymond at Claire’s son’s wedding having the time of his life; I was reminded that when we hold on to anger, it feels like armour, but really, it’s a chain. Raymond got to

move on and Claire never did. Forgiveness cuts that cord. It says, “You no longer get to control how I feel, how I love, or how I live.”

Jesus never said forgiveness was easy. But what He does say is “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Being merciful often feels like standing unguarded. But you must believe that God will defend you better than your bitterness ever could. When you forgive, you don’t become weak; you declare that the wound no longer defines you. Forgiveness is not walking back into harm; it’s walking forward into healing. The next time fear whispers, “If you forgive, you’ll fall prey again,” remind yourself: forgiveness is not returning to them. It’s returning to yourself.

Ladies, we deserve peace that doesn’t depend on apologies. We deserve joy that doesn’t crumble under memories. Forgiveness doesn’t make us vulnerable; it can make us victorious.

So try it !

This week, take a quiet moment to think of one person you’ve struggled to forgive, and whisper a simple prayer: “Lord, help me release them and heal me too.” Write their name on a piece of paper, thank God for what that experience taught you, and then tear it up as a symbol of letting go. Each day after, pray for their peace and yours because forgiveness isn’t a one-time act, it’s a holy habit that frees the soul. Let us know if this helped.