Deepening emotional connection in relationships

The Mental Health Initiative (MHI) of the Suburban Vicariate has prepared a series of articles for Mental Health Awareness Month. This article is by Amanda Thomas, counselling psychologist and MHI team member.

When I was attempting to write this article about relationships, I noticed I began paying more attention to my own relationships and what they do and have done for me.

My relationships helped to shape how I see myself, protected me from loneliness by way of community, assisted in my character development, and gave me support and courage to walk the journey of life.

In essence, my relationships led me to feel a sense of being loved, and having something to offer the world, which helped me to feel safe and confident enough to enter and engage with the world. I believe that this is true for others who have experienced good, close relationships.

But what makes for close relationships? What are we close to exactly? We can be close to someone by physical proximity or close in terms of being blood relatives. When we say that we are close to someone, what we often mean is that there is a positive emotional connection between the person’s heart and ours.

The following are some suggestions that may assist those who are interested in developing healthier, richer, more emotionally intimate relationships.

Take time to acknowledge your own emotions

It will be difficult for you to share with anyone how you feel if you are not aware of what you feel. It will also be challenging for you to be empathetic towards others if you do not take time to consider how you would feel in their position.

Note, that feelings are not the same as thoughts. Thoughts are the strings of words forming sentences. When considering ‘feeling’, words focus on what one-word descriptors you would use to describe your emotions.

For instance, ask yourself if you feel happy, sad, angry, afraid, disgusted, surprised, or ashamed. If you cannot think of a feeling word right away, start simpler, by asking if you are having a pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral experience and work your way to further distinguishing how you feel.

Share using ‘I-statements’

Communicating one’s needs, desires, thoughts, and feelings using ‘I-statements’ can assist in clarifying boundaries, increasing positive behaviours that make the relationship enjoyable and lowering the risk of conflict or further escalation of arguments.

‘You-statements’, for example, ‘you never keep your promises’, often lead to feeling attacked or blamed while ‘I-statements’ aid clear and assertive communication that can be illuminating.

They can look like this: ‘I feel upset when you say you will do something but do not follow through, and I would appreciate it in the future if you would let me know that you cannot do what you promised.’

‘I-statements’ also work well when highlighting positive things and assist the person to see that his/her behaviours are meaningful to the other, leading to a pleasant experience between the parties. A good example is, ‘I feel so grateful every time you make breakfast because it means I have less to worry about’.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes

This is what empathy is all about. Ask yourself what you would think, how you would react, and how you might feel if you were experiencing something like that of the person relating with you. Perhaps, unlike your friend, your mom did not die, but you suffered the loss of something/someone dear to you. Think of what it was like for you so that you can estimate what your friend is feeling and the kind of care he/she may need.

Slow down on trying to problem solve

Few persons feel calmer when someone they love responds to their complaints and concerns by quickly jumping to telling them what to do to fix it. What leads to feeling disconnected is often a sense that one does not see or understand the emotional reality of the other.

Contrastingly, when one can verbalise with a fair amount of accuracy what another seems to be experiencing in a non-judgemental way, it often creates a feeling of comfort, being seen, and connection which aids in soothing upset feelings. An example of this may be: ‘It sounds like you felt angry and embarrassed and, [using empathy], I could imagine how you might have felt demotivated to continue to stay there.’

Avoid telling people what they should feel

Emotions do not have to make sense to you. What people need is to feel heard and telling people not to feel or think something often leads them to feel judged, stifled, or misunderstood, leading to a loss of connection.

It may be more effective to be interested in the reasons they feel something and later gently show them the other pieces of a story they may have missed. An example may be: ‘Yeah, I can tell that you are sad. Tell me what the worst part of the situation is for you…Oh I see, you felt left out. I wonder what would have happened if you mentioned to Kwesi that you wanted to go with him…’

Notice that it was never mentioned that Kwesi would never leave him out or that Kwesi was always inconsiderate. Instead, the emotion was identified, the reason for it was discussed, and space was left for the grieving party to be curious and reflect on what he/she may have overlooked.

Understand that there is usually something else under anger

Interacting with persons when they are angry scares many people or makes them feel uncomfortable. Most times, there are other emotions that are going on under anger that are softer and more vulnerable.

Emotions such as embarrassment, loneliness, shame, and fear are frequently covered over by anger. It can be useful to approach interactions with loved ones who seem angry with this understanding so that it may help you to act less defensively. Remember that the fierier the display of anger, the more likely there is a big hurt under it.

Be present

Be physically and mentally present to others. Go out together, be in the same room at the same time, talk about the everyday things and the deeper things, play together, do chores together, make memories, enter experiences together.

The more of your five senses are engaged in the other person and what you are doing together, the more present you are.

There can be no connection without being present.

This list is not extensive, but these suggestions have helped others, and it is hoped they will be helpful to you as well.

Please contact the MHI at 784-9384 and let us assist you if further support is required.