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Every good conversation starts with good listening…

Close-Up View of African Mans Hair and Ear Against a Grey Background studio shot

By Judy Joseph McSween

Time Out Specialist – Emotional Intelligence, Conversational Intelligence and Spiritual Intelligence Coach

In our second segment of Self-Awareness and Self-Management, we noted the correlation between building relationships and spiritual growth.

We were invited to (i) be aware of our emotions and their impact on our thoughts and behaviour as we engaged in ministry and (ii) view our role in ministry as a vocation. Both these actions require us to be open and willing to listen to self, others, and the Holy Spirit.

We noted that the foundation for building relationships begins with our ability to PAUSE, to become self-aware, paying attention to the other, choosing to align with God’s will, demonstrating unconditional love for the other.

As you begin to peruse this article, I encourage you to PAUSE, take a few deep breaths and become fully present.

Here are a few interesting facts about listening:

  • We spend around 45 per cent of our waking time listening
  • We typically only remember 17–25 per cent of what we hear
  • 85 per cent of what we learn comes from listening (Shorpe)
  • We are distracted, forgetful, or preoccupied 75 per cent of the time (Hunsaker)
  • After listening to someone talk, we can immediately recall about 50 per cent of what was said. Even less if we didn’t like the subject or the person! (Robinson)
  • Listening to complaining or nagging for more than 30 minutes can damage the part of our brain that handles problem-solving
  • We listen at 125-150 words per minute and think at 1000-3000 words per minute (Highgain Inc)
  • Most people are uncomfortable with silence and can only last less than 10 seconds before having to ask a question or say something to break the silence (Hopkins)

At any given juncture, we wrestle with listening to self, fully listening to the other and listening to the Holy Spirit.

Synod means “journeying together” and it involves listening to each other and the Holy Spirit to discern the path we are called to walk together.

Let’s face it, there are people we enjoy listening to, there are others we would rather not listen to, and there are those to whom we never listen.

Yet the Holy Spirit is present in all of us. Even when listening to people we enjoy, there are periods during the conversation when we are so enraptured by a word or phrase which caught our attention, we miss some of what they have said.

Attentive Listening, in the context of synodality, necessitates the development of our Spiritual and Emotional Intelligence (SEQ) competencies, that enable improved connections with self, others – family and community, with God; and acknowledging our connection with persons whom we may never meet.

This requires that we PAUSE, become aware of

  • those members of our immediate and extended communities with whom the connection is poor, or from whom we are disconnected
  • our biases and resistance to change, our fears and anxieties
  • how by our very words and actions, we may be chasing others away from God versus demonstrating compassion and forgiveness as we saw in the reading on Jesus and the Adulteress
  • our distractions when listening and apply self-management techniques, so that we become fully present to the other
  • the impact of what we are hearing on ourselves and appreciation that when emotions run high, listening goes low
  • the need for openness to what we may hear from the other
  • the need to be curious and empathise with the other
  • the need to be like Jesus … countercultural.

Reflection activities – developing our listening skills

Walking Together – Caribbean Reflections of a Synodal Journey authored by Fr Don Chambers and me, Judy Joseph McSween, provides several opportunities to develop your attentive listening competencies. As you engage in ministry this week, I encourage you to:

  • Be fully present
  • Minimise external distractions
  • Acknowledge your internal distractions
  • Be intentional in your desire to build the relationship with others
  • Be curious … remain open and nonjudgmental
  • Be aware when you have drifted into formulating your response.

And observe what happens as you apply the following techniques to maintain your presence:

  1. Pause and become conscious of your breath
  2. Suspend your desire to share, advise, and counsel
  3. Ask clarifying and/or open-ended questions that allow the person to elaborate
  4. Embrace silent pauses as opportunities to discern the voice of God
  5. Read Walking Together … Caribbean Reflections on The Synodal Journey Chapter 35 ‘Waiting.’