Transparency vs Vulnerability: Who helps you carry your cross?

By Daniel Francis

I recently got into a fascinating conversation with a group of friends. I can’t remember how we got into this particular topic, but it was an important topic to speak about.

The conversation went in the direction of men not sharing enough with their significant others or in general. She is meant to be your partner but here you are not telling her about your day, or you are sharing about your day, but the details are superficial.

The discussion became a question of trust. Why don’t you trust your significant other with your burdens? Why don’t you unburden with someone you feel safe with?

The conversation became a conversation of Transparency vs Vulnerability and the great degree of difference between the two.

You see, transparency is someone telling you something that they want you to know. In the case of a husband speaking to their wife, it could simply be them telling their spouse about their day. “I had a really hard day a work today. The day started tough and continued that way for the rest of the day.” He was transparent with you about something that happened in his day.

On the other hand, vulnerability would be him sharing something that she could then turn around and use to hurt him. “I had a really tough day. The day started with me getting a speeding ticket before I even got to work. I was already late, and I put my frustration out on the officer. I was a bit verbally abusive in my anger and one ticket turned into two. I’m not proud of that interaction.”

Now he was transparent here, but he gave even more details, and the degree of transparency entered a level of vulnerability whereby his spouse has the opportunity to either carry this burden with him or make the burden heavier.

She can decide to gently ask him what caused that outburst and that they work it out together, or she could attack him for being too impulsive and angry.

To induce either reaction from his spouse that atmosphere of vulnerability would need to be created by him.

When you are transparent about something, you are enabling someone to know something. But when you are vulnerable with someone, you are empowering that person to help you carry something or to make your load greater.

That line between choosing to be transparent or vulnerable seems to be trust. Do I trust this person enough to be vulnerable with them?

There is also a layer of conditioning. What is my experience with being vulnerable with this person? Have they effectively helped me carry my burden in the past or have they made me regret being vulnerable?

As men especially, we are intrinsically aware of the great difference between transparency and vulnerability. We unknowingly or knowingly allow that to guide our decision-making.

So, when we don’t share enough with our spouses sometimes it comes from a place of fear. The incorrect expectation is that we are expected to be a pillar of strength ALL the time, so we guard our vulnerable moments from those we love and trust the most. We should be trusting them to get beneath our crosses with us and help lighten our burden.

If there is a fear of vulnerability, you should be asking yourself why. Is it a trust issue or is it an unwarranted intrinsic fear that you have of your vulnerabilities being used as a weapon against you?

Luckily, we have God that we can be fully vulnerable with, and I hope that you are bearing all to Him. If everything is kept pent up inside, you will find that eventually, you will break.

The stereotypes surrounding men don’t encourage us to be truly vulnerable. Vulnerability can easily be equated to weakness based on some of the expectations placed on our shoulders.

However, in no world is living this “strong man” ideal 100 per cent of the time a realistic way to live. If you look at the people in your life and none are worthy of your vulnerability, develop those within your circle so that some can be at that level or find a new circle.

You deserve to have some level of support through your vulnerability.

Daniel Francis is a millennial helping other millennials. He is a two-time author of the books The Millennial Mind and The Millennial Experience, and an entrepreneur. Over the past four years, he has served as a Personal Development Coach whose work targets Millennials and helps them tap into their full potential. He is also a self-publishing coach and has guided hundreds on self-publishing their book successfully.

LinkedIn: Daniel Francis

IG: o.m.publishing

Website: www.ompublishing.org

Email: themillennialmind2020@gmail.com