What is love?

By Camille Ramdial-Cumberbatch

Some of us might know the popular song by Trinidadian-German singer Haddaway entitled ‘What is love’. The first line continues with the words “Baby don’t hurt me.” With Mike’s passing six months now, I have been reflecting on our 27-year relationship and contemplating our journey. Can we truly love someone and not expect to be hurt by them? One of my Mike’s famous sayings was, “The ones closest to you are the ones who will hurt you the most.” This is a very powerful insight and one that helped me reflect on not only how our love helped me grow, but also how did I benefit from the hurt.

I have learned that when you’re in a longstanding relationship, sometimes it has peaks and valleys, like a rollercoaster. The peaks of course are characterised by joy, laughter, happiness, acceptance, respect, stability, and peace of mind. The valleys, however, to me are really when true love is tested. How do you move past the moments and experiences that lead to you being angry, disappointed, feeling betrayed, undervalued, frustrated, or helpless? These are some of the emotions I have felt in my relationship with Michael. How then did our relationship last for 27 years?

There was a time midway in our time together when I became overwhelmed by our rollercoaster relationship. I felt like I had little control over my life and was allowing my happiness and joy to be determined by our interactions. That realisation caused me to refocus on God by putting Him at the centre of my life. This focus strengthened me to start saying ‘no’ and setting boundaries to help achieve my happiness and purpose, rather than directly linking them to my relationship with Mike. As Khalil Gibran says in his book, The Prophet, “Stand together, but not too close, for the pillars of the temple, stand apart…” Understanding that loving Mike and being in a relationship with him didn’t mean I should lose myself or expect him to do the same, helped us individually and as a couple. Our love for God and placing Him at the centre of our lives, therefore, was fundamental to our longevity together.

Mike would say that being in a relationship with someone, especially your spouse and children, helps you learn about yourself. The tough times in our relationship helped me increase my self-awareness and understanding of my values, areas for development and strengths. When we argued or said something hurtful, I learned to self-reflect to understand my response and consider his varying points of view. When Mike had his first stroke, 10 years ago, I learned for the first time that I was compassionate. His many health issues after this episode forced me to increase my medical knowledge and helped me become more empathetic. Through all this, as a couple, we knew our love was supported by God’s presence and guidance. So, in the valleys, we were assured that we were not alone. Just as Psalm 23:4 states, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”

A friend once asked what contributed to relationships being longstanding. I believe you have to keep falling in love with your spouse over and over again. The person you fell in love with and married 20 years ago is not necessarily the same person now, and neither are you. The excitement of keeping your love alive is rediscovering each other. We changed in our 27 years together, e.g. our disagreements led to discussions, cemented in our love, respect, and trust in each other, built over time and after many tests.

A lasting memory of our love’s evolution is when Mike said to me, “Maybe because I can be myself with you” after an interaction. To me, this was Mike’s biggest compliment which humbled me; expressing how safe he felt to be himself in our relationship. So, from my experience, I wish to say the definition of love is unique to each couple, and they can reshape it over time. Also, although hurt can be painful, it can be helpful to self-reflection and growth for both persons in the relationship. In the end, 1 Corinthians 16:14 says it best, “Let all that you do be done in love.”