Riding the waves

By Camille Ramdial- Cumberbatch

We recently lost the iconic actor James Earl Jones, who was famously known for his voice. He was the unmistakable voice of Darth Vader and Mufasa in movies or the voice that said, “This is CNN,” on television. Now that he has died, it’s as if an era has ended. My husband Michael also had one of those unforgettable voices and that is how I feel, since his passing. He had a voice that inspired, challenged, or soothed you. A voice that was famously known for starting a training workshop singing the song, ‘Miss Tourist’ by Lord Kitchener or more personally, for serenading me with his favourite love songs from the 50s and 60s. For 27 years, approximately 10,000 days, I heard that voice every day of my life, so I am now trying to continue with my life without his voice.

Trying to deal with this and other aspects of my grief, six months after his passing, has been like being on an ocean and trying to manage the changing environment. Sometimes you feel calm and relaxed, while at other times, it’s like riding a wave: unpredictable and uncontrollable.

The suddenness of my emotional change is what most times surprises me. I would be normal and then suddenly I would feel the deep hurt of losing him. I’d start to cry, just when I thought I was managing myself well. My most recent experience was as simple as hugging his pillow, which surprisingly led to me feeling that deep ache in my heart and caused me to erupt in tears. That longing for him lasted until the next day, when for the first time in months I cried publicly at our favourite café. One of the staff members who knew us came to hug and console me through my tears. Just when I felt I was riding the wave, I crashed.

So, after six months in the grief process, there are some things I’m reflecting on from my experience.

1. Grief could be different based on who you are grieving for. I have lost important persons in my life before Michael. My childhood friend about 28 years ago and my mom 6 years ago. Losing my husband, however, is a totally different experience from the grief I felt previously. For me, the intimacy of the relationship that spouses share is different from other relationships. I now have a deeper appreciation of Genesis 2:24 – “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The depth and breadth of the relationship one shares with a spouse in a long-term relationship has a deeper impact on your being than other relationships. I am wondering if as a couple, your mind and body have become so connected, that upon one spouse dying, the other’s being is searching for that missing connection. When it realises that it is gone forever, the sadness resurges. It’s as if there is a missing DNA link. Is that why grief comes in waves at different unpredictable times and places, based on what triggers it?

2. My grief has built my faith. Right after crying due to missing Michael, I would immediately cry out to God for Him to strengthen me while I grieve. I hold on to His promise in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Remembering that God is with me, has helped me through my grief journey, as He continued to show Himself in many ways. This trust in His presence and confidence in His support is what allows me to discharge my distress in a healthy manner.

As I grieve, I have realised that it can become overwhelming if not understood and managed. Also, for some, it can possibly lead to depression, especially if they don’t have a beacon of hope. Consequently, I pray that we are all guided by Jesus’ words, in John 8:12, “… I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.” These words have become the North star on my oceanic grief journey, helping me through the unpredictable waters and guiding me to knowing, that this too shall pass.