Facing my many “Firsts”

By Camille Ramdial

For those of us who have lost loved ones, there are many ‘firsts’ we go through in life after their passing. For me, this month had a few.

Some months ago, I cried on my flight when I made my first trip abroad without my husband Mike. No one to cuddle with to be comfortable or no shoulders to lay my head on to sleep. I also felt lonely as I observed the two passengers next to me. They were a loving mature couple, engaging with each other the way Mike and I used to when we travelled together. The outpouring of tears surprised me, and I cried in my shawl silently, so as not to disturb anyone.

This is also the first time I have cried so much in my life. I didn’t even know there could be different tears and how they feel as they fall. The silent ones just slip from the side of my eyes and gently roll down my cheek. Those catch me by surprise sometimes, when I feel emotional. The deep agony ones just fill my eyes and flow like a river down my face. Unrelenting and overwhelming sometimes, but cathartic. Those take a physical and emotional toll, as I feel tired and sad after. And then there is the deep ache in my heart when I think of him. That one is indescribable. For the first time, my vulnerability is visible, with my voice cracking as I become emotional, my tear-filled eyes or my deep breaths to calm myself. I am normally characterised as being strong and ebullient, so my current response can be very disconcerting to me, sometimes.

Another momentous ‘first’ was Father’s Day. This was the first one Mike was not around to celebrate. We would normally spend the day together as all his children are adults and most lived abroad. They would have each missed him in their own way this year. Our son stated he has never met someone like his dad and may never again, given his father’s life story, experiences and impact on his life. All Mike’s children have a part of him in them, whether in personality, mindset, behaviour, use of gifts or physical attributes. He will truly be missed by them.

For the first time, I have to overcome losing someone I was so deeply connected with. A friend described Mike as my “soulmate” and our relationship as one I may never again experience in my life. I believe this may be true.

So how am I to deal with all the many firsts still to come–my birthday, Christmas, a New Year, our wedding anniversary etc.? For me, Psalm 121 is my inspiration:

I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth….

Our Father in heaven gives me the strength to continue to smile and live my life without Mike. I believe that His love is with me and will carry me through the challenges of my grief experience. Our matriarchal family, with my mother and three older sisters is a testament of this to me. All widowed young in life, with children, the women in my family, through hardwork and faith in God, survived losing their spouses and parented their children to adulthood. They are wonderful role models to me as I too became a widow, with a son.

I was nine years old when my father passed. My mom was illiterate, reared cows and sold cow’s milk all her life to take care of her four daughters. I was the last. She was my first role model. Her faith and devotion to God, was a testimony of God’s love for us, as He provided and blessed her to take care of us.

As women, we need to build or find our support network or “tribe”, who will be there for us, especially in our challenging times. And we too need to support others along their journey.

So, as life progresses, I will not be anxious about what’s to come. I will instead be thankful that I am blessed to experience many firsts (for example, my first grandchild) knowing Mike is beside me in spirit, and God is with me in love.