The ‘acceptable’ expression of anger

By Daniel Francis

I have written articles on the socialisation of young boys into men on more than one occasion but there are so many layers to this concept that I want to continue speaking about it with fresh takes.

Something I have always noticed but had difficulty articulating until now is this concept of what is subtly considered the acceptable expression of men’s emotions.

In an earlier article, I explored the socialisation of young boys to act a particular way. We were guided towards traits that are deemed ‘manly’. We were also pushed away from actions and qualities that are deemed ‘feminine’. This is the typical socialisation process.

Due to this process, there is discomfort when having to express particular emotions and I see it with men and boys of all ages.

We recognise that when we feel sadness, fear, weakness, timidness, etc it does not fit the archetype of a ‘man’ that our environment has been teaching us to accept and to live by. So, what do we do?

Better yet, what have we learned to do? We transfer those uncomfortable emotions into an emotion that we are more comfortable expressing which tends to be anger or some form of aggression. Funny enough this aggressive expression is more accepted.

At some level, society has accepted a man expressing a certain level of anger or aggression as normal: ‘he is my protector, so of course to some extent he must show a level of combativeness’.

But we see the extreme of this expression backfiring and entering the realm of unreasonable and even toxic or abusive. He is the head of the household and must extend a stern, almost hostile aura. These are the subtle expectations that carry this belief through.

I remember going to an event and witnessing an interesting interaction. It was an event with almost 2000 people and these two men decided to smoke in the middle of the crowd. All the patrons around them were understandably annoyed by this because they were in a cramped space.

Those around the men urged them to either step away from the crowd or to out their cigarettes. Eventually the men decided to move on. While on their way through the crowd to a less populated area, one woman, emboldened by something within her, began yelling at the men as they walked away. The men were understandably confused and responded with a gesture of anger and annoyance towards the woman.

A man standing near the woman whom I assumed was her boyfriend noticed the altercation and pulled her toward him, said nothing and the men moved on. The woman was then angry at her boyfriend because she believed he didn’t act like a man. She believed he was meant to show aggression towards the men and even yell and kick up a fuss for glaring at her in the way they did. A loud argument ensued.

This is just one of many examples I have witnessed that push this narrative that we as men are sometimes expected to be the angry and aggressive people that women and even the world expects us to be.

Is it any wonder that some of us feel comfortable transferring the emotions we are not comfortable with into anger, even when it typically creates more problems than it solves?

This is a call to action to move against the grain of anger. We as men must become more than what we are socialised to be.

In God’s teachings, we know there is a better way, and it is not anger.

Find comfort in knowing that you are a human and as such, are entitled to your emotional expressions whether there is the underlying belief that men should not feel a certain way or express certain feelings.

At the end of the day, we must carve out a safe and healthy society for each other and finding comfort in anger and aggression will not get us there.

Daniel Francis is a millennial helping other millennials. He is a two-time author of the books The Millennial Mind and The Millennial Experience, and an entrepreneur. Over the past four years, he has served as a Personal Development Coach whose work targets Millennials and helps them tap into their full potential. He is also a Self-publishing coach and has guided hundreds on self-publishing their book successfully.

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Email: themillennialmind2020@gmail.com