Confession of a Single Catholic Female

Do you notice us? The career women, the single mothers, women who stayed at home to take care of ageing parents, the women without a family.

Do you think that the Sacrament of Marriage should be available to all of us? We are prepared for Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation and then left to figure out our own journey towards the Sacrament of Marriage.

Sometimes, I wonder if it is worth it being a Catholic woman.

In 1992 when all my relatives were becoming ‘born again Christians’, our family remained rooted in Catholicism.

But now I wonder if I might have been married with my 2.5 kids by now had I joined another faith years ago. All I have to show for my faithfulness is being an unmarried, single 41-year-old spinster. My child-bearing years waving at me in the windshield, and I keep wondering if I made all the wrong choices.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love the Lord, but I keep thinking back. In my early teens, I was obsessed with Jesus and the Catholic Church. There was not a Youth 2000 that your girl missed.

I was up in all the church functions, teaching First Communion, Confirmation, running the youth group. I had the best stall in the harvest and whilst doing all those things, I had this very deep yearning to find love and have a family. I never expressed it because I never wanted it to seem that I was “looking for a man”.

When all my peers were abandoning church and parish life by the time they hit UWI, not me. I was up in the Catholic Students’ Movement (CSM) like God Himself put me there! I was what the world would define as a good Catholic girl.

Listen, I’m not lying to you all when I tell you I’m all Catholic, I’m the kind that goes to Mass before work. I cannot tell you the last time I missed Sunday Mass except perhaps when I had dengue, chikungunya and Covid!

I’m not calling myself a saint, because nobody and I mean nobody loves Machel and Kes more than me! To this day anywhere that Buju and Beenie are performing, you could find me stage front!

I would party until 5 a.m. and be in church at 8 a.m. selling the Catholic News with my grandmother. I was also really climbing the ladder of corporate success and many people were baffled that this high-powered Human Resource professional could be such a church mouse.

Regardless of how high I climbed the corporate ladder, there was always a little old lady in church putting me in my place if I dared to show too much cleavage in church. In fact, I remember one Sunday just before I went up to do the reading, somebody sent a shawl for me to put on before going to the altar. But I digress….

The year is 2022. I’ve been praying my whole life for God to send me a husband. I mean… I thought Gerron, my first boyfriend, would be my husband, but I never saw him after graduation (mostly because our phone got disconnected and I was not allowed to go out).

Then I thought it would be Shane. He was always in church; he had a good job and a car. A car was important to a 21-year-old, but he also had three baby mommas and a mean streak.

Then there was Leo, who after dating me on and off for three years told me that he was being forced to marry his baby momma because she was pregnant.

Then there was Clint who cheated on me with my co-worker; and Frank who ‘ghosted’ me after two years. The list goes on.

Dear Jesus!

Oh, sweet Jesus!

I is tyad!

I need a good man and I need him yesterday!

I feel like God has forsaken me… and I don’t want anyone who has been married for 40 years to come to tell me to trust God’s timing…….we are talking about 25 years now I have been praying for a HUSBAND!

So, this Sunday, I will probably sit next to you in church, smile like I always do, look happy and you will tell yourself that is a nice God-fearing woman. You won’t know the turmoil in my soul; you don’t know that I am a minute away from considering becoming a bobo shanti or a Muslim because I am sure I can find someone to match me or at least be concerned about my singleness.

But you know what, as a hard-working, single Catholic woman I am perfect only to do free ministry, give of my time, talent, and treasure and as long as I don’t miss three Sundays in a row, no-one will miss me.

I probably will never leave the Catholic Church because I have thought about it the same way kids think about running away from home. But I need help, I need guidance, please don’t tell me to pray about it (it’s generally just a poor response to someone’s pain).

I have been praying for 25 years, and don’t tell me to have faith, because I did have faith for 25 years. It cannot just reappear because people who have not had my walk tell me to.

This is my rant. I don’t really expect help but if there is one other woman who can identify with what I just shared, don’t you think we should do more as a Church to support single women in search of the Sacrament of Marriage.

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