Early on during my pregnancy, I realised something that my intuition could no longer ignore. I had to prepare to step into this life-altering, gifted moment, with you, my life’s special treasure, regardless of who supported me. One day, I will tell you the story of how that long and painful realisation sunk in.
I remember the headaches, the laying in dark rooms. I remember feeling nauseous by everything that stimulated my sense of smell, no longer being able to use perfumes, scented soaps, and deodorant. I also remember the brief window around month three, where pregnancy felt carefree, pain-free, and fear-free. We boarded a plane together for the first time and then I remembered the disruptive haemorrhoids that started, grew and that stayed a persistent problem even past birth.
I remember being surprised at a baby shower that I never wanted, because being true to self was all that mattered, but how could they even know? I silently endured it in denial, holding faith and hope, willing change, being the change, without uttering a word to the world. I remember crying uncontrollably when they surprised me both because of how much I loved seeing my friends and family in the midst of the reality I silently endured, and because of how deceitful this suffering in silence felt. I remember with the passing of each challenging and painful moment, passing as if nothing had happened, nothing other than the many lessons brought to enlighten, birth empathy, and reveal strength.
I also remember learning what support looked like and what it didn’t! The biggest ever real-life lesson I felt resonated while expecting a child. Two weeks after birth, I realised the cocoon I was swaddled in with family and people I would forever cherish had served its purpose. The waiting on me, the meals
prepared, the cleaning of rooms and spaces I hadn’t had the capacity to do in months, years in fact, if I am to be honest.
I remember being jabbed with a needle each day for ten days, something I was challenged to do on my own. I was being taken for check-ups, and with each clearance and bill of health granted, I was emerging naturally by design from the encasing of this life-giving cocoon. I sit still thankful to this day, and possibly for eternity, for that support I received. Then, I became strong enough to emerge a beautiful butterfly and rest on the ground carrying my blessing, using my own two feet, wrapped in my own two arms.
Another story, I’d tell you that story one day, remind me…it was that first time you’d have gone to brunch at two weeks old, your first ever and mine as a mother. It was met by disapproval and after many offers to leave you in their care so that, as they put it, “I can enjoy life.” For far too long, I believe that I had ignored my intuition; I existed spiritually dead and ignoring behaviours. But in these early moments, something about your presence led to my awakening.
I felt I could do no less than to lead by my intuition and gut feeling that, for now, what’s more important is that I navigate life awakened, intuitive, and honest. You weren’t a burden that I would have to leave so that I can live a life that I had been living to the fullest for years prior. You were a blessing to life, a special treasure and so deserved no less.
Two years in, I realised I’d lost nothing that won’t be restored and hence had only gained a peaceful world and that I had all these stories to tell. I’m still challenged by emotional trauma, feelings of belonging.
While still challenged by the immense stress responses in the presence of changing and complex relationships with these people that I love, the pins and needles, the difficulty to breathe, the dread, the heart racing, the fear of loss due to lack of support, I’m slowly figuring out that I am supported.
Support comes in many forms, and silence fills areas that were once alive, and life fills areas once silent. I have figured out how to respond not only in silence but with words. I ask daily for guidance to focus on the present. Acceptance and surrendering and being explicitly clear with what my prayer requests are as
I journey more confidently, more peacefully, certainly more determined to do what’s right by God, you, and myself.
I continue leading with intuition, patience, intention, relaxed power, and God-centred mothering regardless of the opinion of others.
Life, special treasure (Pen Name)
I’m a child of God and I focus on his journey of homemaking, caretaking, and stewardship using lists, journals, creating growing guides, documenting dreams and goals