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November 12, 2021
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November 12, 2021

Wait? Did You Miss Your Vocation?

Seminarian Luke Silva (centre) takes a selfie with Fr Matthew d’Hereaux (left) and fellow seminarian Shimmon Lezama at the seminary in Colombia.

Do you think you have missed your vocation? “Relax,” said Fr Matthew d’Hereaux, Vicar for Priestly Formation and Vocations, “it is not the end of the world. God writes straight crooked lines.”

The comforting words were uttered during a November 10 talk ‘Wait? Did You Miss Your Vocation?’ hosted by psychologist Sharon Bermudez. This was one of a week-long series for Vocation Awareness Week, November 7 to 13, organised by the Generation S Committee.

Fr d’Hereaux outlined three factors that could lead to someone missing their vocation.

  • Dreaming Syndrome’—“Marriage is an idea, but you never get down to discerning…or priesthood is a nice idea..,” he said. The idea is attractive but the next step is never made to discern whether this is a true call and make a commitment.
  • Maybe syndrome’—“Maybe I can become a priest… maybe I can get married”. Maybe is a “shapeless and safe” space to be in. The people who live with this syndrome are people who love the Church and family but simply cannot move beyond the ‘maybe’.
  • Fear of self, failure, or who are wounded—Someone may have had a bad break-up and decided to join the priesthood or convent because of avoidance of wanting to be hurt again when perhaps this was not their true calling. There are others who avoid considering religious life altogether because they could also have been hurt by the Church or a priest. “God is knocking on people’s hearts to become priests, but they were wounded by the Church. They want to have nothing to do with the Church.” Then there are those who hear the call but feel unworthy or are afraid that they would not be successful.

In the lively session that saw listeners querying on the topic, Fr d’Hereaux responded to one question where the listener wanted to pursue spiritual life but was influenced by his peers against it.
“When friends chain you up, you can break those chains. It is very important that you walk in your own shoes”. He continued that in vocations studies done in the universal Church, people admitted to listening to the bad advice, but also looking to the secular representation of the Church at times, “the scandals…nobody wants to be associated with a pedophile”.
It is never too late, however, to discern your call. He tells of men who were unofficially discerning a call to spiritual life in their youth but were in relationships at the time, and where their partners became pregnant. In their thirties and forties, they decided to officially discern their call to priesthood. Once that man’s child is an adult, and settled in his/her life, he is free to come back and apply to the seminary; both the admission’s board and the Bishop would examine the application. He made it clear, however, “You have to honour your commitment as a 22-year-old who fathered a child [for example]. No diocese would accept once he has a child to father and bring up. If you are in a marriage now, stay in marriage.”For priests who think they have missed their vocation, this has to be worked through with the Bishop. “If you really can’t stay because you are making people unhappy, you making yourself unhappy, you wouldn’t be the first, you wouldn’t be the last…There are thousands of people who have left ministry.”
Admitting there will be bad moments, he reiterated the need for discernment, as the decision cannot and should not be made based on emotions or motivations. “That is the beauty of discernment, it takes time.”

Discerning your call

The process of discernment takes time, community, testing of the spirit and especially honesty with regard to self. “If you have dreaming syndrome, for example, to be an overseas missionary, but you love a Trini Christmas, you fooling yourself! You have to be honest…a lot of vocation work is basic common sense, but after time…”
Vocations work, he said, is not an exact science; it is dependent on God’s grace and allowing things to unfold. Humans want things to unfold quickly.

The testing of the spirit also takes place over time; the Church gives seven or eight years. Self is gotten out of the way through self-control and self-denial because the negativity of Self can get in the way.
Vocations ministry is approached with faith, and discernment is required because wrong motivations can lead to unhappiness. “It’s not a walk in a park if you are trapped in a nunnery, or trapped in priesthood. There are alcoholic priests around the world, alcoholic sisters…alcoholic doctors and lawyers…who have missed their vocation in life.”

The call, he says is not a mystical experience. There is no billboard, or cloud speaking, or God’s tapping of your shoulder—there is no “sign from God”. There is very real uncertainty. “The classical definition of a call is moving from a secure now to future uncertainty.” Discernment is not a singular matter. It is about people getting to know you and help you work through whether you have a call to spiritual life or vocation.

There are people who have been rejected by one group, to be accepted by another. Fr d’Hereaux cited the case of US-based author Matthew Kelly who was once rejected and is now a beloved and prolific writer. “…it doesn’t mean you don’t have a vocation, but maybe in another direction. Maybe God has something else in mind.”

For those in pain at the thought of having missed their vocation, “…have a frank conversation with God…ask God to write straight on those crooked lines…Anyone who feels they have missed their vocation, their children, one is eight, one is 13 and one is four…God will work with that…If you are married with no children, you have to honour that commitment to your wife. That is the Kingdom of God.”